i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
