The maid of honor just puked.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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