I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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