smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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