My liver just broke up with me...
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
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