wat bout pragnant strippers??
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
