and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
