I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize