Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
