I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
