You really coming over, don't trick.
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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