You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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