I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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