Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
