I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
