don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
