Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
