Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
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