Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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