I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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