tonight lets celebrate not being married
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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