Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
