My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
