the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
where are you?
Hypothermia
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Randomize
