so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
