New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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