My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
