I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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