I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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