the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
