guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
