I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
