a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
