Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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