dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
