Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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