mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Randomize