I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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