I think my fart just growled at me.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
