Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
