his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
