So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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