How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize