I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
