I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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