I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
