I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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