babies were throwing up all over the place
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
