I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
