we have pet lesbian snakes
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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