But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
