Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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