ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I fill condoms, not promises.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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