The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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