And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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