I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
